This Sucks! Zen and the Art of Difficult Emotions

Published First on My Main blog blog.mindfulfitnessmovement.com

I’m the worst person alive!Over a year ago, I made a vow to make amends for all my unskillful actions. This process involved doing a moral inventory.

It’s a technique I borrowed from 12-Step work. (In the spirit of full disclosure I’ve never done 12-step work and am not an authority on that process.)

I decided to make a list of every bad thing I’ve ever done. This is super hard. At times, I felt like I was the worst person alive.

Tell me how I failed!The first list I made was long, but I knew there was more. So each night before bed I would sit and say to myself,

“I want to live a life of integrity. I am willing to accept the mistakes I have made. If there is any action I have forgotten and I don’t feel good about, I invite it to come into my awareness.”

After I said this, I would sit in silence for a few minutes. Often something would bubble up to the surface. No matter what it was I greeted it with gratitude and wrote it down.

Make it hurt!

When we start to improve our lives, we open more space. This leads to a sense of freedom and joy. It also allows unfelt emotions to surface.

When these emotions surface, it can feel like we’re moving backwards. In truth it means you are really digging in to real transformation.

The challenge is to face these emotions without trying to fix them. Allow them to arise, feel them, and then be willing to let them go.

5 Steps For Creating Space for Difficult Emotions

1. Set aside time.You need at least 10-15 minutes, but it’s better to give yourself some wiggle room.

I found that just before bed was the best time for me. It helped me process the day. It also meant I didn’t take these emotions to bed.

2. Find Somewhere to Be AloneIt’s hard to be with difficult emotions around others. They may try to consol or distract you. The point is to just be present with what’s arising. Nature is great, or your bedroom, but if all else fails the bathroom is a good standby.

3. Invite the Emotions to Come InAn invocation can be helpful. State your intention, your willingness to accept what comes, and then invite any hidden emotions to arise.

3. Feel Your BodyIf emotions arise, try not to focus on the content. Instead, focus on how the emotions feel in your body. Notice any beliefs that arise especially any absolute statements.

If these emotions become intense try to stay with it, but if your mind starts spinning, focus on your breath or your feet to become grounded.

4. Write it downOnce you have watched the emotion arise, exist, and ebb, write it down. Name the emotions and any beliefs that came with them. This can be a few sentences or much more, it’s up to you.

This gets it out of your head and gives you perspective.

5. Gratitude and ReleaseNow thank whatever came up for arising. Thank your heart for being willing to feel these hard feelings. Thank yourself for being willing to do this work. Then ask yourself, your heart, and/or a higher power to help you let these feelings go.

Remind yourself that you will do this again soon and that anything else can wait until then.

6. GroundingWorking with difficult emotions can be agitating. Afterwards take ten breaths, do a short yoga routine, or maybe read something inspiring. If you are still reeling try doing something to get in your body: light house work, a more vigorous yoga routine, or a longer meditation.

This practice can be very powerful. It’s not about wallowing, it’s about giving space to the powerful forces inside of us. When we are willing to be with challenging feelings, we gain the courage to face challenges in every aspect of our lives.

Discussion Question: How do you work with difficult emotions?

Disclaimer: For some people this practice is not suggested. If you notice the consistent arising of thoughts involving self harm or suicidal ideation stop using this technique and consult a licensed counselor or therapist before continuing.

If you feel like you need to speak with someone right away call your local crisis line or call A Lifeline Crisis center at 1 800 723 TALK (8255)

Photo Credits

A Big Turn Off

This will be a short blog.

Turn off this computer and go do something real with someone you care about. Take a walk, sing a song, or make a meal, no matter what this time of the year can help us remember that the best things in the world are analog. 

Happy Holidays!

What’s one thing you’ll never hear a personal trainer admit?

Ok I can’t believe I’m saying this, but working out is no fun at all. Am I right here people?

Sometimes when I go to work out I just don’t feel like it. Then my muscles start burning, I’m breathing really heavily, and everything kind of aches. It feels a little bit like I’m dying and not in the Sylvia Plath sense.

People who are “into fitness” don’t like to admit they feel like this, but we do. We like to act like it’s fun and enjoyable which it is, but it also sucks.  We don’t tell other people this because it’s hard to explain to anyone why we would do something so arduous. If we admitted this they would ask why we encourage others to do the same thing? Are you guys like sadists or something?

There is this idea in the fitness world and in society that everything should be fun light and easy. When you see work out commercials on TV those people are having a blast doing puncherobics or taicyling or whatever. When you see people working out for real often they have this look like someone just stole their milk money and shoved them in a locker.

So why do I work out? Because I know that it makes me feel better. Counter intuitive right?
When I work out my brain works better, my moods are less extreme, food tastes better, sex is better, and I just feel better day-to-day.

Even after a hard workout that kicked my booty I feel much better than I did before. There is something thoroughly satisfying about being completely used by my efforts. Discomfort and fatigue force me to be in my body to be in this moment to get out of my head and into THIS INTENSE EXPERIENCE!

That’s why I love to exercise even when I can’t stand it. So go ahead and admit that working out is hard. It’s supposed to be that way. That’s why it’s called working out instead of hanging out. It’s work.

Once you’ve done that then get out there and run, swim, bike, skate until you feel exhausted. We all have to do unpleasant things sometimes, but exercising mindfully is one occasionally unpleasant thing that actually makes almost everything else a little better.

What Are 3 Aspects of Being A Great Student?

So I haven't posted in a few days 14 to be exact and I am working on a response to a great question asked of me, but it won't be ready today so instead I give to you, one answer from my Yoga School application. I know it's kind of cheating, but I think it was illuminating for me to read what I wrote here and I hope that it helps you as well. I think it applies to almost any situation we find ourselves in that asks us to be a student.

 

What are 3 aspects of being a student of yoga that are important, and why?

1. It’s important to watch the mind that grasps for achievement - The western mind can be, by virtue of the society in which it was raised, a bit competitive. I know that I have had the competition bug in me and that it can come out no matter what I do. This can happen in yoga just as much as anything else. I want to have perfect form, I want to be more flexible than others, etc. etc. There is nothing wrong with wanting to study and practice with skill, because without any determination I would drop any practice as soon as it got hard. What I have found is that I must expect to lose myself in the effort, rather than gain a new sense of self through it.  

2. It is important to let go of preferences - I think this is true in all aspects of life, but especially when being a student. Each of us can get a certain idea in their head, about how things should happen. The mind believes that if it can think about something enough and set up a model it will prevent suffering and death. In truth these ideas are what lead to suffering in the first place. I know that when I set my preferences and opinions aside and become open to what is happening, that I learn more about myself and any practice I engage in. Holding my preferences lightly and also respecting my own boundaries allows me to stay in the realm of learning with my whole heart. This is a practice I engage in at all times, but I think is essential to keep in mind when studying yoga.

3. Remembering to be present in the body - Meditation, zazen, yoga and many other similar practices are often thought to practices of the mind, but they are practices primarily of the body, or more correctly the mind body. I have a tendency, born of my study of western philosophy, to think of the mind and body as separate. I often tend towards the superiority of the mind over the body, a sort of mind over matter attitude. This way of thinking is not right view. The mind and the body are not two things. To hold the mind and the body upright are holding one thing together. I think I always have to remind myself to be present in the body rather than to try to think my way through something.

I wrote this on my IPhone

I had a conversation with a friend recently about whether or not she should purchase an IPhone. I listened as she justified and unjustified the purpose of the purchase. She listed reason pros and cons about having or not having one. This is a pattern I have noticed often in my self and others.

It's funny that we do this. We decide we want something and then our mind goes into overdrive trying to figure out how to make sense of the desire. It comes up with reasons to agree with what we already want, in part to hide that really we just want it. Often we want it for simple reasons like peace, joy, and fun, but we feel we have to justify it.

When I reflect on what this mindset, I can see this little story and it goes: "I'm not that special I don't deserve x,y,or z, unless I can justify why it might make me special or a least mitigate my unspecialness.
By not letting ourselves treat and reward ourselves we perpetuate the mindset of not being worthy.

This past year I wanted to buy a new fancy road bike, but felt I had to justify it. After listening to me go through this process, my good friend Lashelle told me , "It's ok to just want something nice." I realized she was right and it felt so liberating.

I did buy the bike and instead of feeling like I was buying it to fix something wrong with me, I felt like I was buying it to celebrate all the hard work I had done. Just a small shift in my perspective allowed me to let go of that negative self talk just a little bit.

Take some time this week to celebrate yourself. You don't have to go out a buy something big or fancy, but take a few minutes to celebrate all the things you do to help other and yourself. In buddhism this is called reflecting on virtue.

Very often we don't give ourselves enough credit. So give your self a pat on the back already.

Thanks for reading and be well,
Gentoku

What's so great about impermanence anyway?

IMPERMANENCE! 

If you have practiced Buddhism or a few other eastern traditions at all you've heard about it, read about it, been admonished about it, and more. Even if you haven't you have experienced it. The ever changing now, the subtle shift of the winds, the endless march of time, whatever your preferred referent it's quite clear, all things are in a state of flux. Often impermanence gets a bad wrap as the thing that takes whatever we love away from us, but from the right perspective impermanence is also what gives life's it's special significance.

The moments we cherish very often signify change.  A great example of this is the sunset. People all over the world admire and relish the colors, the shifting light, the change in noises, that the sunset brings. The sunset embodies a moment of change. The sun moves all day long and maybe we notice the changing angles of light, the shift in temperature, but maybe we don't. In the Northwest United States, for example, the shift of the sun often occurs behind a curtain of impenetrable grey.

The sun set (or sun rise) is a time when the movement demands our attention, often with a dramatic effect. It signals that this day is ending, that even the huge forces that seem so stable to us are shifting in front of our very eyes. If you've ever sat and watched a sunset you know this to be true. The sun a massive ball of plasma, falls beneath the horizon faster than you realized it could. It's our attentiveness to this change that helps us see the beauty.

There are many other examples of beauty found this way in change, migrating birds, the opening of flowers, the first snow, the first spring shower, the first warm day of summer, and many more. These moments bring us into the present moment and show us that this flow of life is filled with an amazing vitality.

When I stand in the middle of one of these moments, I can feel my life sliding underneath me. Like that moment when the waves cross over one another at the beach. They seem like they are both coming out and going in all at once. This feeling is raw and scary, but it something I live to feel. It's this feeling that makes me realize how precious each grain of my life truly is.

Take some time this week and reflect on something that you enjoy watching change. Think about how changes in the day, the seasons, even the people around you create beauty in your life.

Change is what enables us to become new people to learn new things. It keeps everyday fresh and unexpected. It only becomes a problem when we fear it.

Thanks for reading and Be Well,
Gentoku
dharmatrainer.com

The 'Right Way' Part 3 - The Way of Love

In my last two posts I talked about doing things the 'Right Way'. In the first post I talked about the things that underlie the desire for doing things the 'Right Way'. In the second post I talked about wholeness of imperfection and how 'Right Way' contains, both perceived success and perceived failure.

In this post I'm going to look at whether 'Right Way' (as it is conceived by the critical mind) can exist and examine how intention can transform the skillfulness of our actions.

Usually, the critical mind thinks of doing something 'Right Way' as our ability to replicate others skills or actions with a high level of precision. The question is 'Can we ever really replicate another actions? We know that no two people ever do anything quite the same way, for quite the same reasons. Everyone does things in their own unique way. Perhaps some actions are functionally repeatable, but the thoughts, motivations, emotions, and karmic causes of those actions are as different as fingerprints.

The idea of a 'Right Way' as a replication of others skills, creates an illusion of unity. If we act in this prescribed way, we are one with others who do the same. We have the same energy, power, and connection that they had. That is the power of ritual in our lives, but it's a mistake to think that it is the accuracy of the execution that creates that unity.

To move as someone else moves is impossible. We do not have their same hands, eyes, and ears. What we can have is a unity of intention, a unity of the heart. Many cultures spend hours practicing rituals so that they are very precise, but if it comes from a love of precision itself the point is lost. It must come from a love of ritual, love of the expression, love of the tradition, or a love of the intention and energy behind the ritual.

When I cook something my mother cooks, my goal is not to produce the same dish exactly, but only to produce it with the same love a care with which she cooked. I can even hear her saying to me, "It's not brain surgery." The message my mother gave me when we have cooked together is that it's about the intention, the process of cooking.

If your intention is good and you cook with love, then the results are likely to reflect that. It's important to remember that the results aren't just the end product. Whenever we try to do something, how we do it, how we feel about doing it, and the attitude we hold while doing it, are all part of the results.

With fitness this is especially true. To achieve a balanced life we must produce more than a leaner, stronger, and more confident body. We must also produce peace, wisdom, and compassion.

If working to do things the 'Right Way' helps us do this, then it is liberating, but if it only serves to make us feel inferior then is it really serving anyone? For me the 'Right Way' is the way that opens the heart. The 'Right Way' is the way that leads to love.

When I follow the way that leads to love, as opposed to the way that leads to perfection, I can see the results of my labor. I see those results not just in the end product of my efforts, but in every aspect of my effort. Even my perceived failures take on an energy of love and acceptance.

One way to practice with this is to reflect on an area of your life where the 'Right Way' has lead you to focus too much on the end product. What if instead of focusing on some external standard you focused on how the activity made you feel?

What if you paid close attention to each detail of each activity and tried to find the beauty in how you do it? You could try bringing in a feeling of love and compassion. Make dinner with loving hands, read a book with loving eyes. Does this change the end product? Does it change how you feel while doing it?

Setting goals can be effective and striving for excellence can be motivating, but they can also become a trap. Goals and standards can be especially sticky if they become fuel for the critical and judgmental aspects of our nature. It's important to find a way to discern the difference.

The way of love starts within ourselves and grows out from there.  If you make your 'Right Way' the way of love then everything you do will be the work of growing compassion in the world. When we let go of outcomes and focus our energy on intentions the change can revolutionize not only the outcome, but more importantly the way we feel about ourselves.

The Right Way Part 2 - The Wholeness of Imperfection

In my last blog, I talked about the concept of doing things the 'right way'. In my last post I wrote about the obsession with doing things the right way and where this obsession originates. In this post I'm going to write about wholeness  and the practice of appreciating imperfection.

Though it may be counter-intuitive there is a difference between perfection and seeking wholeness.When we seek perfection we tend to value only our positive experiences and discard our negative ones. When what's happening matches the idea we have in our mind we are WINNING! but when they when it doesn't we are FAILING! This simple view of progress doesn't take into account all the complexity of growing as a being.

Take a moment to reflect on your life, Are you certain if you changed any event, whether success or failure, if your life would be the same? You might think if you could change a few things you'd be better off, but are you sure? Maybe you wouldn't have met your wife or your best friend. You might have ended up in a much worse situation then you are now. You might even have died. There is just no way to know.

Everything you've done has led to where you are now. If you eliminated your 'failures' then you wouldn't be where you are or who you are. If your whole life, good and bad, has given you the gift of your current existence is there really a 'right way' to do things?

Often when I suggest that their really isn't a truly 'right way' to do something people object. What about math or engineering? Maybe in some areas there isn't a right way, but what about for logic. There can only be a yes or a no, 2+2=4 no matter how much you may love 5. Of course there is truth here, the 'right way' does not exclude reason or a desire for excellence. This isn't to suggest you should be lazy, sloppy, and indifferent  Not only do these things not embody excellence, they don't embody the wholeness of the 'right way.'

Often we think that to make something whole is to make it match the standard in our minds, but our own standards are very limited. We are limited in perspective, by our location in the world, in our lives, in our karmic patterns, in our place in time, and in our understanding of the nature of truth. How can our limited perspective hold all the aspects of wholeness?

Wholeness has to hold both the good and the bad. It must hold 2 + 2 = 4, but it must also hold all the answers to that equation that don't fit into our idea of the 'right' answer. 2 + 2 = 4 is the most useful part of that whole when we are trying to figure out how many apples we have, but to think that 2 + 2 = 4 fulfills the scope of wholeness is so limiting. This becomes clear as we look at our own lives.

When we are learning to ride a bike, does the wholeness of learning contain only the time we are in balance? At first we fall constantly and it's very clear that falling is part of learning, but when we become an excellent cyclist is that not true anymore?

First off, I can assure you that even being a halfway decent cyclist means falling on occasion, but more importantly even when we are riding with skill we are still falling. Riding a bike is a act of falling and adjusting, going into and out of balance. It is not a static state of riding a bike the 'right way.' Thinking of it like that hides all the subtlety that exists while riding a bike.

Excellent cyclists move and flow with the nature of change, they make thousands of little adjustments that fall within very small margins. It is their unity with the flow of change, not their  connection to some static standard which makes what they do truly amazing. It's a dance with this constant flow, and the 'right way' to ride is not something you can own, but instead something you must join with.

When we look at our lives from this perspective it's easy to see, how both balance and imbalance are part of the whole.

Take a moment and reflect on some of the things in your life you wished at some point you could have changed. How have these events created the whole person you are today? What lessons did you learn and how have you grown from these challenges?

Without the struggle to break free from the cocoon a butterfly can never fly. Without the challenges and trials of walking all the 'wrong ways' we would never learn to navigate our lives. The wholeness of our lives contains all the flawed and perfect aspects of our being. Don't forget to appreciate all the scrapes and stumbles that taught you how to walk the path.

The 'Right Way' Part 1 - Where does it come from?

I was recently talking with a friend about the idea of doing things the 'Right Way'. It's something we often obsess about in our culture. Perhaps it come from the Judeo Christian background of the western world, or perhaps it's just a side effect of striving for excellence and happiness; in either case it can very easily become a trap that limits our imagination, our ability to grow, and our happiness.

The 'Right Way' can become a beacon for us to shoot for, but also very often it is the standard by which we constantly judge our inadequacy. I'm going to take a few posts to really look at how this fixed idea of 'Right Ways' and 'Wrong Ways' effects our lives. These won't be posts that relate in a direct way to fitness, but I think very much apply to the mind that arrives at the gym or in the park every time we work out.

First off, Where does this idea of the 'Right Way' come from?

I once got into a discussion about the 'Right Way' to determine the difference between stuffing and dressing. Even though it's very silly in retrospect, I gave what can only be described as a passionate account of the difference between stuffing and dressing. I spoke with the conviction of an attorney working for Stovetop Inc. In the midst of my defense, of the purity of breaded poultry fodder, I realized that my entire knowledge of this difference, was based solely on a single article I had read the previous day on the Internet.

My conviction was unwarranted and the conversation, though clearly silly to begin with, had lept the bounds of absurdity, because of my forceful perspective. So why did I argue for the 'Right Way' to define something of so little importance? When I reflect on this, I realize that holding this 'Right Way' in my mind gave me a sense of power, of confidence, of safety.

I felt validated and justified in my actions. Knowing the 'Right Way' gave me a clear identity. I was the person who knew the identity of stuffing. I was the sole arbiter of stuffed bread products (cue the heroic music). There is something so satisfying about knowing the 'Right Way' to do something. It says so many things about me. I am competent, capable, and knowledgeable. Who am I? I am the one that knows.

It is easy to see why we can easily become obsessed with the 'Right Way' to do something. There is so much comfort for our anxiety, our fears, our doubts, and our fears.  Put simply, the idea of a 'Right Way' comes a very human need to know and understand themselves and the world around them. This 'Right Way' situates them at the center of a known universe they have drawn the borders around.

The only problem is, this 'Right Way' doesn't reveal the truth about myself or the subtlety of the actions I undertake. Instead it trades the complexity that makes life beautiful, for the certainty that makes us feel safe. I became so fixated on the 'Right Way' to describe stuffing, I lost all perspective on the absurdity of the conversation. I wasn't connected to the person I was interacting with or my own intentions. Worst of all I became unable to take in new information and new perspectives.

Striving for excellence is great and visualizing can be very valuable, but when we get fixated on the 'Right Way' to do something, we lose what we sought. What makes us truly unique among the animal kingdom, is our ability to take in new information and greet new situations with curiosity and imagination.

If the 'Right Way' comes from a fixation on a particular idea or way of being, how right is it? If on the other hand, what if the 'Right Way' comes not from an idea of the end, but from the connection to the process? It's all a matter of putting the emphasis on the 'Way' and not the 'Right'.

This is the key salvaging excellence from the concept of the 'Right Way'.  Our focus must be on the path, that leads us in the direction we want to go. Often our destinations rarely look how we expect them to and of course we as travelers have changed. The path on the other hand is intimate to our every step.

Excellence in self, in body, in mind is possible, but this excellence doesn't come from seeking some outside standard, but from believing in the flawed footsteps it takes to get there. It's faith in the path and the way, even if the scenery doesn't match the post cards.

Take some time to reflect on what fixed ideas of doing things the 'Right Way' is holding you back. What qualities are embodied in achieving that standard? Write them down. Then instead of comparing yourself to this Holy Grail standard, walk the path of the pilgrim. Do your best to embody the qualities that that standard holds.  Take up this practice of embodying qualities instead of embodying standards for a week and see what effect it has.

Your expression of compassion, of wisdom, of joy, may not be the same as those you admire, but its the way behind them, that is the same. Your act of kindness will not be there's, but the quality of kindness is something almost anyone can recognize. In this way you become one with all the great people who have gone before; not because you will do the same things, but because you will be walking on the same road.

Thanks for reading and be well,
Gentoku
dharmatrainer.com