This Sucks! Zen and the Art of Difficult Emotions

Published First on My Main blog blog.mindfulfitnessmovement.com

I’m the worst person alive!Over a year ago, I made a vow to make amends for all my unskillful actions. This process involved doing a moral inventory.

It’s a technique I borrowed from 12-Step work. (In the spirit of full disclosure I’ve never done 12-step work and am not an authority on that process.)

I decided to make a list of every bad thing I’ve ever done. This is super hard. At times, I felt like I was the worst person alive.

Tell me how I failed!The first list I made was long, but I knew there was more. So each night before bed I would sit and say to myself,

“I want to live a life of integrity. I am willing to accept the mistakes I have made. If there is any action I have forgotten and I don’t feel good about, I invite it to come into my awareness.”

After I said this, I would sit in silence for a few minutes. Often something would bubble up to the surface. No matter what it was I greeted it with gratitude and wrote it down.

Make it hurt!

When we start to improve our lives, we open more space. This leads to a sense of freedom and joy. It also allows unfelt emotions to surface.

When these emotions surface, it can feel like we’re moving backwards. In truth it means you are really digging in to real transformation.

The challenge is to face these emotions without trying to fix them. Allow them to arise, feel them, and then be willing to let them go.

5 Steps For Creating Space for Difficult Emotions

1. Set aside time.You need at least 10-15 minutes, but it’s better to give yourself some wiggle room.

I found that just before bed was the best time for me. It helped me process the day. It also meant I didn’t take these emotions to bed.

2. Find Somewhere to Be AloneIt’s hard to be with difficult emotions around others. They may try to consol or distract you. The point is to just be present with what’s arising. Nature is great, or your bedroom, but if all else fails the bathroom is a good standby.

3. Invite the Emotions to Come InAn invocation can be helpful. State your intention, your willingness to accept what comes, and then invite any hidden emotions to arise.

3. Feel Your BodyIf emotions arise, try not to focus on the content. Instead, focus on how the emotions feel in your body. Notice any beliefs that arise especially any absolute statements.

If these emotions become intense try to stay with it, but if your mind starts spinning, focus on your breath or your feet to become grounded.

4. Write it downOnce you have watched the emotion arise, exist, and ebb, write it down. Name the emotions and any beliefs that came with them. This can be a few sentences or much more, it’s up to you.

This gets it out of your head and gives you perspective.

5. Gratitude and ReleaseNow thank whatever came up for arising. Thank your heart for being willing to feel these hard feelings. Thank yourself for being willing to do this work. Then ask yourself, your heart, and/or a higher power to help you let these feelings go.

Remind yourself that you will do this again soon and that anything else can wait until then.

6. GroundingWorking with difficult emotions can be agitating. Afterwards take ten breaths, do a short yoga routine, or maybe read something inspiring. If you are still reeling try doing something to get in your body: light house work, a more vigorous yoga routine, or a longer meditation.

This practice can be very powerful. It’s not about wallowing, it’s about giving space to the powerful forces inside of us. When we are willing to be with challenging feelings, we gain the courage to face challenges in every aspect of our lives.

Discussion Question: How do you work with difficult emotions?

Disclaimer: For some people this practice is not suggested. If you notice the consistent arising of thoughts involving self harm or suicidal ideation stop using this technique and consult a licensed counselor or therapist before continuing.

If you feel like you need to speak with someone right away call your local crisis line or call A Lifeline Crisis center at 1 800 723 TALK (8255)

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How Is Criticism Is Good For You?

Criticism is one of the hardest things to hear. However, criticism doesn't have to be all negative. If you able to hear it with mindfulness, criticism can be a chance to see yourself and your ‘criticizer’ on a deeper level.

Criticism >= Stomach Punch?
Recently I was talking with a senior member of my spiritual community. While we were talking my business, the Mindful Fitness Movement, came up.

He expressed concern about how I talked about my time at the monastery. He suggested it was inappropriate to list the 2 years I spent at the monastery on my business website.

The next thing I knew I found myself getting defensive and reactive. What I heard him saying was, “I had no business trying to help anyone at all.”

I was able to explain why I listed the monastery on my site and leave the conversation skillfully.  Still, I left feeling very agitated.

3 Windows Of Criticism
Later after I calmed down I was able to look at what I call the 3 windows of criticism.

1. Their Truth – This is your best guess at what the criticizer is expressing. My best guess was, “Training at the monastery is a sacred tradition. I want to honor that tradition.”

2. My Fear – This is the fear that the criticism triggered.
My fear was, “I'm afraid my spiritual community doesn't support my work. I’m afraid the person I respect thinks I can’t help people. What if he’s right?”

3. The Value – This can be a shared value or two separate values that each of your is trying to support. The value I saw was, “We both want to honor and support a tradition that helped us find peace and meaning.”

It is hard to hear a person’s values through their criticism. But it’s important to try and see what they care about.  Even if you don’t support how they are trying to meet those values.

MindFitMove Practice:
Think of an occurrence in your recent past where you felt criticized. Then follow the steps below.

1. Write down what you remember the person saying. (Try not to interpret or write assumptions)

2.Write down what your reaction was in words and/or thought. 

3. Write down the feelings that came up for you when they said it.

4. Write down Their Truth, Your Fear, and The Values you were both holding.

Once you have gone through these steps it’s up to you to decide which if any action needs to be taken. Often when we receive criticism our willingness to hear and understand the person is enough to make the difference.

Remember that it’s not about blame. It’s about finding a way forward that honors both of you.

The 5 Simple Steps to Facing Fear

Litany against fear- From DUNE a book by Frank Herbert

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye and see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.“

Whenever we try to change our lives fear arises. Sometimes it arises because we stumble on the path: “I gained a pound back. What if this is where it all falls apart?” Sometimes it arises because the future is unknown: “If I transform into someone new, who will I be?”  Starting a new exercise practice, changing the way we eat, taking a new fitness class can all be a catalyst for fear, but it doesn’t have to derail us. There are ways to practice with fear and use them to connect with our hearts desire.

1. ACKNOWLEGE THAT YOU ARE AFRAID

Everyone and I mean everyone gets afraid from time to time. Some people are better at hiding it, denying it, or compartmentalizing it, but everyone experiences fear. Resistance to fear is the first barrier to facing our fear.

We want to deny that we are afraid. Most of us are afraid that we will fail, fall flat on our faces, be embarrassed, gain all the weight back, lose the girl/boy, become a source of shame for our family/friends, get terminally ill and die alone and unloved. We try not to think about it because if we do it will come true, or perhaps we’re afraid that we will see it is already true.

Just say to yourself. I’m afraid.

2. FIND WHERE YOU FEEL FEAR IN YOUR BODY

Where do you feel fear? Is it a tight feeling in your chest? Is it butterflies in your stomach? Are you clenching your jaw? Squeezing your fists?

No matter where you feel it, try to go into the sensation. What is the texture of it? What color is it? Is it related to any other part of your body?

Take a piece of paper and describe it in as much detail as possible. If you notice yourself thinking of the content of fear, stop, and go back into your body.

3. ONCE YOU’VE DESCRIBED FEAR GET GROUNDED

Don’t stay in that fear response forever. It can be very tiring. Instead do something grounding.

• Things that people find grounding
• Exercise, exercise, exercise
•   Taking a walk outside
•  Eating a piece of fruit
• Focusing on the bottoms of your feet 

4. TRY TO SEE THE WHOLESOME DESIRE THAT IS SOURCE OF FEAR

Most fear arises from wholesome desires. Our strategies for dealing with fear or the desires that cause fear can be unwholesome, but the fundamental need underneath is usually wholesome and universal.

We want to be loved, appreciated, accepted, and acknowledged. We want to be free, autonomous, joyous, playful, and independent. We want to contribute, nurture, and be part of a community. We want beauty, peace, ease, clarity, order, and predictability.

We might not need all of these at the same time. We might have different ideas about what these would look like, but everything on that list could be needed by anyone.

Try to see what that wholesome desire is for you. Your fear often arises from not having these universal needs addressed.

5. FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR GETTING AFRAID/HOLD THE ONE WHO IS AFRAID

Often we reject and criticize the part of us that gets afraid.

Imagine if you were a child who was afraid.  Now imagine a parent or teacher criticized your fear, mocked it, and rejected you because of it. Would you feel safer?

Forgive yourself for being afraid. Forgive the part of yourself that is afraid. Visualize yourself as a child. Or if that’s too hard, visualize the part of yourself that is afraid as a child.

Then comfort them. Tell them what you would tell a child that is afraid.  Imagine holding them in your arms patting them on the back. Try putting your arms around yourself and rubbing your own shoulder. Say “it’s ok to be afraid.”

We all experience fear. Fear can be a door into our own hearts and the hearts of others if we are willing to stay with it and walk through it.